[He would let Edward stay like this as long as he needed, wouldn't move an inch. But Husk was taken as well...? Even Lord Nito...
Diarmuid would remain the steady one, ever the master of compartmentalizing whether he was conscious of it or not. It was useful when he needed to act as one's rock.]
If there were factors playing tricks on your mind, it does not make you worse for falling. I know with absolute certainty you as you are free from that ship would have never done what you did to your people, or anyone innocent.
If you were worse, you would feel nothing right now.
I might not have been in my right mind, but I still did it. I saw one person from my past I knew I'd killed and it was like I'd never left it behind.
[Like he'd never learned any better. He chokes on it now, the guilt and the regret, and even the grief, god, such grief. It tastes bitter, tastes ashen.]
The blood is still on my hands. And I—fuck, I don't usually mind, having blood on my hands, if I did I wouldn't be what I am, but it's—it's never been like this, before, it was never like this before. It never belonged to people I'd tried to keep safe, before.
I should have as well, Diarmuid couldn't help thinking. Better at knowing you all were in danger. What use is a Saber-class Servant's innate magic resistance if he can't see through a fake "fishing trip"? What good is a knight that failed to protect.
Diarmuid let Edward vent as he needed, but went silent for a while after listening to his friend berate himself so for something he didn't have control over. Something beyond anyone's power if a god could be deceived by it.
He knew the guilt and the pain blinded. He knew that nothing would erase this perceived failure, even Diarmuid still felt himself checking if Waver still had a pulse sometimes after last year.
But. He holds a bit tighter.]
I know that right now, you won't believe it. You carry the responsibility of so many others' safety. It feels as though you failed them, deep in your heart you feel "certain" that you failed them because they lost their lives or came to harm. Worse is that it was by your hand.
But I know that you wouldn't say the same if one of your people came to you after what happened. I know you wouldn't tell them they should have been "better" for losing themselves to what you all saw.
Aye, because it's not on them and they weren't in their right minds—
[A beat. He makes an unhappy noise into Diarmuid's shirt, recognizing that he's been outplayed here. Damn it. Diarmuid just had to talk sense. He would never tell anyone he cared about that they should've been better in a situation like that—won't even think it, because he knows the sort of stress the ship had been putting them all under.
So he takes a different tack:] It's my damned job, not theirs. My responsibility. If I fall down and fail them—well. I did, and nearly everyone I cared about died.
[It was second nature for Edward to double down on something. Normally he'd let it be while giving the occasional playful or helpful pushback. Right now, though, it was all pushback. Or rather, the unstoppable force of self loathing was being met with the immovable object of logic.
Logic Diarmuid wouldn't hear for himself. But his failure to realize the danger was something he would contend with another time.]
The ship you all were on forced you to the ground. That is not a fall caused by your actions, it was an act of cruelty not different from the cabin one year ago.
[Albeit from the sounds of it... on a much worse scale. They were meant to act as sacrifices before. Not meant to provide one another as offerings.]
The only time one has truly failed is when they refuse stand again after taking a fall caused by their own conscious actions. [A pause, as if the irony started to set in but just missed the mark.]
I know the sort of man you are, Edward Kenway. You and they have all returned and you will not stop protecting them from anything that will do them harm in the future with all that you are. You will always stand between them and any present danger. Nothing will make you want to change that.
[Knowing this will not mend the wounds that seeing death caused. Nothing will. But there is a future and all Diarmuid can see in it is Edward clawing through dirt, grime, sweat and blood to watch over his people.]
[He'll get back up again. He always does. If there's one thing Edward Kenway does best, it's haul himself back up after a blow, no matter how heavy. This is no different, in truth, he just...needs time. And this, a friend holding him tightly, reassuring him that he'll do better.]
I just...
[He goes quiet, and just breathes.]
...can't believe I'd miss the bloody cabin. But at least we didn't try to kill each other there.
[cough Velvet and Lapis cough.]
I'm—I'll check on them. Make my apologies, see what I can do to help. [In a very tired voice:] And probably I'll have to start looking into something to keep myself from getting dragged off into these places, considering this is the second damned time.
[Vel and Lapis worked their shit out after not too long, it's fine.
Still, the cabin was one of the worst things Diarmuid had ever went through. For his friend to miss it, well, he simply didn't comment on it knowing that it was said in some way just to cope.
Diarmuid desperately wanted to apologize for not being there. But not now... later. Later.]
And that will mean the world and more to them. When they see you standing again, it will help them to stand and walk alongside you.
I'm a stubborn old bastard. Don't know when to stay down so long as I draw breath. [If ever he does it's because he no longer can draw breath. Or something along those lines, considering there are people in this world who technically don't need that.
He breathes in, then out.]
...'s'the second year this has happened. Do you think I ought to start preparing for something like this to happen again when October begins next year?
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no subject
Diarmuid would remain the steady one, ever the master of compartmentalizing whether he was conscious of it or not. It was useful when he needed to act as one's rock.]
If there were factors playing tricks on your mind, it does not make you worse for falling. I know with absolute certainty you as you are free from that ship would have never done what you did to your people, or anyone innocent.
If you were worse, you would feel nothing right now.
no subject
[Like he'd never learned any better. He chokes on it now, the guilt and the regret, and even the grief, god, such grief. It tastes bitter, tastes ashen.]
The blood is still on my hands. And I—fuck, I don't usually mind, having blood on my hands, if I did I wouldn't be what I am, but it's—it's never been like this, before, it was never like this before. It never belonged to people I'd tried to keep safe, before.
I should've—I should've been better.
no subject
I should have as well, Diarmuid couldn't help thinking. Better at knowing you all were in danger. What use is a Saber-class Servant's innate magic resistance if he can't see through a fake "fishing trip"? What good is a knight that failed to protect.
Diarmuid let Edward vent as he needed, but went silent for a while after listening to his friend berate himself so for something he didn't have control over. Something beyond anyone's power if a god could be deceived by it.
He knew the guilt and the pain blinded. He knew that nothing would erase this perceived failure, even Diarmuid still felt himself checking if Waver still had a pulse sometimes after last year.
But. He holds a bit tighter.]
I know that right now, you won't believe it. You carry the responsibility of so many others' safety. It feels as though you failed them, deep in your heart you feel "certain" that you failed them because they lost their lives or came to harm. Worse is that it was by your hand.
But I know that you wouldn't say the same if one of your people came to you after what happened. I know you wouldn't tell them they should have been "better" for losing themselves to what you all saw.
no subject
[A beat. He makes an unhappy noise into Diarmuid's shirt, recognizing that he's been outplayed here. Damn it. Diarmuid just had to talk sense. He would never tell anyone he cared about that they should've been better in a situation like that—won't even think it, because he knows the sort of stress the ship had been putting them all under.
So he takes a different tack:] It's my damned job, not theirs. My responsibility. If I fall down and fail them—well. I did, and nearly everyone I cared about died.
no subject
Logic Diarmuid wouldn't hear for himself. But his failure to realize the danger was something he would contend with another time.]
The ship you all were on forced you to the ground. That is not a fall caused by your actions, it was an act of cruelty not different from the cabin one year ago.
[Albeit from the sounds of it... on a much worse scale. They were meant to act as sacrifices before. Not meant to provide one another as offerings.]
The only time one has truly failed is when they refuse stand again after taking a fall caused by their own conscious actions. [A pause, as if the irony started to set in but just missed the mark.]
I know the sort of man you are, Edward Kenway. You and they have all returned and you will not stop protecting them from anything that will do them harm in the future with all that you are. You will always stand between them and any present danger. Nothing will make you want to change that.
[Knowing this will not mend the wounds that seeing death caused. Nothing will. But there is a future and all Diarmuid can see in it is Edward clawing through dirt, grime, sweat and blood to watch over his people.]
You didn't fail them. It wasn't your fault.
no subject
I just...
[He goes quiet, and just breathes.]
...can't believe I'd miss the bloody cabin. But at least we didn't try to kill each other there.
[cough Velvet and Lapis cough.]
I'm—I'll check on them. Make my apologies, see what I can do to help. [In a very tired voice:] And probably I'll have to start looking into something to keep myself from getting dragged off into these places, considering this is the second damned time.
no subject
Still, the cabin was one of the worst things Diarmuid had ever went through. For his friend to miss it, well, he simply didn't comment on it knowing that it was said in some way just to cope.
Diarmuid desperately wanted to apologize for not being there. But not now... later. Later.]
And that will mean the world and more to them. When they see you standing again, it will help them to stand and walk alongside you.
no subject
He breathes in, then out.]
...'s'the second year this has happened. Do you think I ought to start preparing for something like this to happen again when October begins next year?