She went quiet for a moment. The worst of the shock of the nightmare had worn off, but there were still plenty of reminders. The memory the dream was based in to begin with. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter, sadder.
"But... I wish I didn't have to." Didn't have to what? Ritsuka didn't specify, instead continuing on. "Do you know why they were killed? It's because this place is--was--a singularity. One that someone made to try to show me the power of wanting revenge."
And innocent people had died for it. Been killed, for the sole purpose trying to incite a powerful anger in Ritsuka.
The first thought that pops into Edward's head is, Wait, you know how to want revenge?
The second is a cold, furious, Who did this, where are they, I'll push this blade into their neck and see how they like my vengeance. He flexes his wrist, and the hidden blade snicks softly out from under his wrist. Another breath, another flex, and it slides back into its housing.
"Why the hell would someone create an entire singularity just to teach you how to want revenge?" he asks. "That might be one of the most twisted methods of teaching I've ever seen, and I've been a pirate, I've done some of those methods."
"To understand the Avenger class Servants better. Why their anger makes them so powerful."
She said it softly, matter of factly. With a certain slight tiredness that came from revisiting a matter that was already over and done and dealt with, in her opinion.
"But the thing is... It's not like I don't get angry. That happens plenty. It's just, I don't like it. It feels... bad., especially after a while. And even thinking about hurting someone like that is even worse. So..."
She trailed off for a moment, then added: "I know you're probably angry hearing about it though, right? But I'd like it if you weren't. What happened is already done with, so I don't want anyone else getting angry or hurt because of it anymore."
"Anger can make you powerful, sure." Edward's no stranger to vengeance, and all too familiar with the notion of making mistakes out of misguided anger. He has people now who can sit on him before he does it, but back when he was younger—well, it's something of a miracle he's made it into his thirties, he supposes. It'll be a miracle if he makes it to forty. "But not if it's not focused. If you're going to avenge yourself, in my opinion, you can't let simple anger drive you. Believe me, I know how that ends up."
A breath.
"I am angry, Ritsuka, on your behalf," he says. "I don't think I'll ever stop being furious, for you or for anyone else I love, whenever you get hurt." A quick glance at her, before he adds, "I can't promise I'll stop being angry, because you might as well ask the storm not to break up your ship—but I can promise you that I'll not lash out and break something just for some semblance of vengeance. If it's already done and the person who did it isn't even here..."
He sighs. He's still angry. He wants so, so badly to find them and stab them, see how they like it when they're on the other side of the blade. But it'd be useless, because Ritsuka's right: it's done, it's passed. All that's left is the damage.
"You're a good lass," he says, finally. "Here's some advice: there's a reason the anger feels bad, especially if you've had to sit with it a while. It's a body's way of letting you know that something has to be done." He looks up at the sky, breathes in the air, lets it out. "But it doesn't need to be making someone bleed, or hurting someone, or anything of that nature, no matter what that person may have told you. You can do what you wish with that anger—you can even let it go. Just don't let it sit in your heart too long."
Ritsuka was quiet for a moment. She knew she couldn't really insist that he stop being angry, that was up to him to let go of, but she still hoped that he would. Dantes wasn't here, and might never be, but if he did someday show up... Well, having people she cared about at odds with and resenting each other would only pain her more.
But, as for her own part...
"I'm... really not angry about it anymore, just... sad." Hurt. "Being angry won't bring anyone back, and it won't fix things like the incineration or the bleaching."
Even if, in her case, not only would absolutely no one blame her, but she would, in a sense, have the power of the grudges of all of the erased humanity on her side.
"And I know why he did it, too. I don't like it, but... I understand? And most people have a reason for doing the things they do, even if they're bad. Like Douman."
He might have lashed out at her out of anger and hate, but those were still reasons born of his experiences, in this life and his past one. Hence why Ritsuka had been sincere in her wish that his next life be a better one, where he needn't carry that anger.
"You might not be angry about it," says Edward, "but it clearly is still hurting you, even now. Or else you wouldn't be dreaming of it, just with Waver and Dia instead." And he can't even blame her for it. The cabin and the spaceship still linger in his memory, after all, still haunt his dreams from time to time.
He chews on his lower lip, considering. Then: "Sometimes I wonder how you manage it," he says. "Understanding people, even when they spit venom at you, even when they hurt you so badly you still have nightmares about it. Befriending them, even, or at least wishing them well."
Maybe it's something innate to her. God knows Edward is just fine with taking an eye for an eye, had been when he was young and brash. Still is now, he's just...less brash about it, these days.
"Why'd he do it, then?" he asks. "Why did he believe you had to be taught how to be angry, and how to use it?" Is it not enough, he wonders, that she's already seen so many people dead in front of her? Like that poor bastard in that other dream he'd walked into...
"It does, but being angry won't make it stop hurting, you know?" If anything, it tended to make such feelings worse. "And I guess it's just... I don't really think we're that different, in a way. Someone who's fighting, even killing, to save their own life and protect their friends, and someone who does the same things for other goals. Either way someone will die, either way, we both have reasons that are important to us, otherwise we wouldn't have to fight at all."
A brief pause, then since the name had already been brought up and Edward had clearly been referencing what she'd said to the zealot: "In my world, we stopped Douman's plans several times, and even fought and defeated him directly the last time. Since the one here remembered that, I don't think it's surprising that he'd be angry at me for it. To him, I'm the person who ruined his past life, because that's exactly what we did."
Maybe it was something innate, at least to a degree, but it was also doubtless simply experience. Ritsuka had seen and been a part of so much conflict that she was well aware that to those she opposed, she had been the villain of their story. Though as for Edward's question...
"First, to show me how to use the power of wanting to revenge. But also, when I refused to fight for that reason, to prove that I was strong enough to overcome what I'd be up against without it."
"Is it really that similar?" Edward asks, after a long moment spent in contemplation. "I've been on both sides—I've killed to protect, and I've killed for little more than petty ambitions. The latter would've led me down a markedly worse path, if I'd continued on it." He rubs at his chin, says, finally, "Aye, someone still dies at the end of it, you're right about that. But—the reason does matter, don't it? The method, too."
After all, there's a real difference between Edward slicing Teresa's throat in the dark of night and Douman raining his vengeful wrath down on Ritsuka. (But there's a real similarity, too, one that Edward is...uncomfortable with examining too closely. He will if he must, but he'd rather not.)
"Well, he was a bloody idiot," says Edward, now, keeping that thought locked shut inside his heart. "He ought to have learned a lesson from his past life and left you alone, if you were the one who defeated him then. Maybe he'd still be alive if he hadn't gone after you specifically." But he did, like a dolt, because he couldn't help but pursue his own petty vendetta to the detriment of his cause.
(Doesn't that sound familiar, Edward Kenway?)
"...you know something?" A corner of his mouth turns up in the tiniest smile. "I think you can. You're a brave and clever lass, with more responsibility on your shoulders than anyone ought to have, but you've carried it with grace. I hope one day you'll learn to set it down, let yourself be less than graceful, but I also think that you've done admirably well, under your circumstances. And you don't need the sort of rage that leads you to vengeance—take it from me, that ends badly." A beat. "But Ritsuka? Let yourself feel annoyed and pissed off, sometimes, even at those you love. It's good for a body."
"I think the reasons matter, yeah. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep moving forward without being held back by regrets." This was definitely a matter she'd spent no small amount of thought on, before. "But I also think that just because something was the right thing to do at the time, doesn't always make everything about it a good thing. And I'd rather not fight or hurt anyone at all, so if they decide to join forces later, that's fine by me."
Or, she might wish them well in hopes that next time such a conflict could be avoided to begin with.
"Maybe... It was kind of luck that I didn't die, though. If I had... well, he'd probably still be dead, but he would have succeeded at his revenge."
It was kind of a sobering thought, in a way. An unasked for and frankly largely unwanted 'gift' from the fae Ritsuka hadn't even be aware of had been what had saved her. One that could have very far-reaching consequences for her, too, should she stay in this world long enough for it to matter. But that was a problem that could safely be pondered later, perhaps much later, even.
In any case, Ritsuka couldn't help but give a soft, wry chuckle at that last bit. "I suppose I can try. And also, now that I know for sure being here won't affect things back in my world, I can try thinking more about what to do here."
"Hm. Nothing is true, everything is permitted." It's funny, how she's gotten that motto down when it took Edward years to understand it himself. "There's always room for shades of gray."
There's a silence. Edward twitches, slightly, then relaxes a little more. Douman is dead, Lapis cut off the man's head herself. "Is there anyone else who might decide they want to revenge themselves on you?" he asks. "I won't kill them, if they arrive. I know you wish it otherwise. I will, however, be quite clear to them just how badly we'll take it if they were to lay a hand on you with harmful intent. They get a chance to prove they won't." After that...well, it'll be a race who gets there first, he supposes: himself, or Waver and Diarmuid.
After a moment, he says, thoughtfully: "College? Though from what I hear from my interns it's devilishly difficult."
Sometimes simply living and experiencing something was the best way to learn it. Moral philosophies aside, Ritsuka also had an intuitive grasp of parallel worlds that would make many a mage in the Clock Tower green with envy, after all.
Ritsuka thought about that question for a good while before answering, though.
"... It's hard to say. It probably depends on what and how much they remember, and other circumstances like that." Under the right conditions she could probably even get through to Douman, as the way he'd been so deeply shaken by her words had demonstrated. "So I think the only way to really know would be to see them..."
Not the kind of answer Edward was looking for, but the best she had nonetheless. There were many who might hold a grudge against her, but it was just as likely they might see no reason to act on it. If not be outright convinced to let the matter go.
"Uh, I dunno if I could do college. I mean, I was still in high school when I first came to Chaldea, and..."
She'd never gotten the chance to return and finish that education.
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no subject
She went quiet for a moment. The worst of the shock of the nightmare had worn off, but there were still plenty of reminders. The memory the dream was based in to begin with. When she spoke again, her voice was quieter, sadder.
"But... I wish I didn't have to." Didn't have to what? Ritsuka didn't specify, instead continuing on. "Do you know why they were killed? It's because this place is--was--a singularity. One that someone made to try to show me the power of wanting revenge."
And innocent people had died for it. Been killed, for the sole purpose trying to incite a powerful anger in Ritsuka.
no subject
The second is a cold, furious, Who did this, where are they, I'll push this blade into their neck and see how they like my vengeance. He flexes his wrist, and the hidden blade snicks softly out from under his wrist. Another breath, another flex, and it slides back into its housing.
"Why the hell would someone create an entire singularity just to teach you how to want revenge?" he asks. "That might be one of the most twisted methods of teaching I've ever seen, and I've been a pirate, I've done some of those methods."
no subject
She said it softly, matter of factly. With a certain slight tiredness that came from revisiting a matter that was already over and done and dealt with, in her opinion.
"But the thing is... It's not like I don't get angry. That happens plenty. It's just, I don't like it. It feels... bad., especially after a while. And even thinking about hurting someone like that is even worse. So..."
She trailed off for a moment, then added: "I know you're probably angry hearing about it though, right? But I'd like it if you weren't. What happened is already done with, so I don't want anyone else getting angry or hurt because of it anymore."
no subject
A breath.
"I am angry, Ritsuka, on your behalf," he says. "I don't think I'll ever stop being furious, for you or for anyone else I love, whenever you get hurt." A quick glance at her, before he adds, "I can't promise I'll stop being angry, because you might as well ask the storm not to break up your ship—but I can promise you that I'll not lash out and break something just for some semblance of vengeance. If it's already done and the person who did it isn't even here..."
He sighs. He's still angry. He wants so, so badly to find them and stab them, see how they like it when they're on the other side of the blade. But it'd be useless, because Ritsuka's right: it's done, it's passed. All that's left is the damage.
"You're a good lass," he says, finally. "Here's some advice: there's a reason the anger feels bad, especially if you've had to sit with it a while. It's a body's way of letting you know that something has to be done." He looks up at the sky, breathes in the air, lets it out. "But it doesn't need to be making someone bleed, or hurting someone, or anything of that nature, no matter what that person may have told you. You can do what you wish with that anger—you can even let it go. Just don't let it sit in your heart too long."
no subject
Ritsuka was quiet for a moment. She knew she couldn't really insist that he stop being angry, that was up to him to let go of, but she still hoped that he would. Dantes wasn't here, and might never be, but if he did someday show up... Well, having people she cared about at odds with and resenting each other would only pain her more.
But, as for her own part...
"I'm... really not angry about it anymore, just... sad." Hurt. "Being angry won't bring anyone back, and it won't fix things like the incineration or the bleaching."
Even if, in her case, not only would absolutely no one blame her, but she would, in a sense, have the power of the grudges of all of the erased humanity on her side.
"And I know why he did it, too. I don't like it, but... I understand? And most people have a reason for doing the things they do, even if they're bad. Like Douman."
He might have lashed out at her out of anger and hate, but those were still reasons born of his experiences, in this life and his past one. Hence why Ritsuka had been sincere in her wish that his next life be a better one, where he needn't carry that anger.
no subject
He chews on his lower lip, considering. Then: "Sometimes I wonder how you manage it," he says. "Understanding people, even when they spit venom at you, even when they hurt you so badly you still have nightmares about it. Befriending them, even, or at least wishing them well."
Maybe it's something innate to her. God knows Edward is just fine with taking an eye for an eye, had been when he was young and brash. Still is now, he's just...less brash about it, these days.
"Why'd he do it, then?" he asks. "Why did he believe you had to be taught how to be angry, and how to use it?" Is it not enough, he wonders, that she's already seen so many people dead in front of her? Like that poor bastard in that other dream he'd walked into...
no subject
A brief pause, then since the name had already been brought up and Edward had clearly been referencing what she'd said to the zealot: "In my world, we stopped Douman's plans several times, and even fought and defeated him directly the last time. Since the one here remembered that, I don't think it's surprising that he'd be angry at me for it. To him, I'm the person who ruined his past life, because that's exactly what we did."
Maybe it was something innate, at least to a degree, but it was also doubtless simply experience. Ritsuka had seen and been a part of so much conflict that she was well aware that to those she opposed, she had been the villain of their story. Though as for Edward's question...
"First, to show me how to use the power of wanting to revenge. But also, when I refused to fight for that reason, to prove that I was strong enough to overcome what I'd be up against without it."
no subject
After all, there's a real difference between Edward slicing Teresa's throat in the dark of night and Douman raining his vengeful wrath down on Ritsuka. (But there's a real similarity, too, one that Edward is...uncomfortable with examining too closely. He will if he must, but he'd rather not.)
"Well, he was a bloody idiot," says Edward, now, keeping that thought locked shut inside his heart. "He ought to have learned a lesson from his past life and left you alone, if you were the one who defeated him then. Maybe he'd still be alive if he hadn't gone after you specifically." But he did, like a dolt, because he couldn't help but pursue his own petty vendetta to the detriment of his cause.
(Doesn't that sound familiar, Edward Kenway?)
"...you know something?" A corner of his mouth turns up in the tiniest smile. "I think you can. You're a brave and clever lass, with more responsibility on your shoulders than anyone ought to have, but you've carried it with grace. I hope one day you'll learn to set it down, let yourself be less than graceful, but I also think that you've done admirably well, under your circumstances. And you don't need the sort of rage that leads you to vengeance—take it from me, that ends badly." A beat. "But Ritsuka? Let yourself feel annoyed and pissed off, sometimes, even at those you love. It's good for a body."
no subject
Or, she might wish them well in hopes that next time such a conflict could be avoided to begin with.
"Maybe... It was kind of luck that I didn't die, though. If I had... well, he'd probably still be dead, but he would have succeeded at his revenge."
It was kind of a sobering thought, in a way. An unasked for and frankly largely unwanted 'gift' from the fae Ritsuka hadn't even be aware of had been what had saved her. One that could have very far-reaching consequences for her, too, should she stay in this world long enough for it to matter. But that was a problem that could safely be pondered later, perhaps much later, even.
In any case, Ritsuka couldn't help but give a soft, wry chuckle at that last bit. "I suppose I can try. And also, now that I know for sure being here won't affect things back in my world, I can try thinking more about what to do here."
no subject
There's a silence. Edward twitches, slightly, then relaxes a little more. Douman is dead, Lapis cut off the man's head herself. "Is there anyone else who might decide they want to revenge themselves on you?" he asks. "I won't kill them, if they arrive. I know you wish it otherwise. I will, however, be quite clear to them just how badly we'll take it if they were to lay a hand on you with harmful intent. They get a chance to prove they won't." After that...well, it'll be a race who gets there first, he supposes: himself, or Waver and Diarmuid.
After a moment, he says, thoughtfully: "College? Though from what I hear from my interns it's devilishly difficult."
no subject
Ritsuka thought about that question for a good while before answering, though.
"... It's hard to say. It probably depends on what and how much they remember, and other circumstances like that." Under the right conditions she could probably even get through to Douman, as the way he'd been so deeply shaken by her words had demonstrated. "So I think the only way to really know would be to see them..."
Not the kind of answer Edward was looking for, but the best she had nonetheless. There were many who might hold a grudge against her, but it was just as likely they might see no reason to act on it. If not be outright convinced to let the matter go.
"Uh, I dunno if I could do college. I mean, I was still in high school when I first came to Chaldea, and..."
She'd never gotten the chance to return and finish that education.